I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
