you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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