Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
