You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
