I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
