She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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