The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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