i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
