Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
