What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
