I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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