Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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