thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
