You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
birth control should be required to get into college
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Randomize
