I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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