My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
