I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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