dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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