Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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