Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
