Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
