After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
