What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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