maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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