Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
