YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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