Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
