Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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