Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
