The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
