he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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