I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
