Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
