i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
