Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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