Im at strip club and am horny
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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