Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
