My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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