i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
