im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
