tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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