Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
