Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
