so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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