i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
