I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
