I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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