I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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