I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
accomplished twins. life is a go
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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