Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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