I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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