He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
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We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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