Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
