giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
