So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
