How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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