I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
