Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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