Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
