we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
